This year made me a cat person.
Now I’m a LOLcat person.
May God have mercy on my soul.
During the war of 1812, The McKenzie family (comprising of Tobias and Elsie, the parents, their alcoholic son, Stephen, and their comely daughter, Margaret, and whose future successors were the famous McKenzie Brothers of International fame, fictiously played by Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas) were commissioned by the government of Upper Canada to infiltrate the American battalions and scour for information concerning battle plans.
While Tobias and Elsie acquired most of their information through games of chance and thievery, Margaret McKenzie acquired the bulk of the information gathered by the family through flirtation and the subsequent blackmail of American officers. Stephen, however, rarely contributed to the family business, and merely participated in, and won, numerous drinking competitions with the Americans, due to their weak beer.
While the information gathered by the McKenzie Family was crucial to nearly all Canadian victories, their crowning acheivement was when Stephen and Margaret had teamed up to inebriate Americans and then place them in compromising situations, to be used for blackmail against their wives. They had done this in Queenston, Upper Canada, in June, 1813, when they found out that the Americans were going to stage a surprise attack against Lt. Fitzgibbon at Beaver Dams. Heroically, the entire family jumped into a canoe and rowed all the way to Beaver Dams, where they told Fitzgibbon the Americans’ plans. Unfortunately for the McKenzies, while they were the first to arrive with the information, Chocolatier Laura Secord also came with the identical information, whose sweet truffles left a much sweeter memory for Fitzgibbon, who gave Secord the credit.
Unofficially, the government of Upper Canada made the third february of every year “McKenzie Family Day.” nearly 200 years later, the Ontario government recognized the holiday and made it statuatory for all employers who felt like following it. Unfortunately, the name McKenzie had been lost to the annals of time and bureaucracy, leaving only our time-honoured “Family Day.”
*UPDATE* Apparently there are those out there who don’t know enough Canadian history to know this is fake. So officially, I made this all up. Capiche?
I don’t know where Dave comes up with his ideas, but they sure are funny:
This was originally published in the 2008 Issue of the Canon25:
It’s dark. I squint my eyes to adjust to what is going on around me. I’m slightly disoriented, trying to figure out where I am.
I figure out where I am. I’m in the school. I don’t know how or why I’m here, but I realize something. I remember.
“There are rumours of dark things happening in the school at night, Will, and I need to know what is going on in there. I trust that you can find out the mysteries in the darkness.” The Dean of Students, George Sweetman uttered these words to me the day before. I found this strange, since I had only met him the day before, in orientation. Eager to prove my worth, I accepted his request.
I come upon a meeting.
I wait in the darkness as people begin to gather. There are 12 people gathered around one central person. With curiosity, I realize that the person is Josh Phillips, the Residence Director and the 12 are the Residence Advisors. Something is going on here, so I hide and wait and listen.
“You know the orders. Subvert, divide, and conquer. This place is ours.” The words escape Josh’s mouth in a strangely alien fashion, wholly disturbing, knowing the little I know of him. The 12 respond with sinister smiles and go off in pairs towards their respective dormitories. The Director melts away into the shadows.
I wait for a time, making sure that I am safe from being found out. I become aware of the fact that I’ve found my way into something that is far above my head. I can’t not do anything however, as the little time that I’ve spent in this place has made it dear to my heart. I have seen the young faces around me and I know that they are like sheep to the slaughter, not even knowing that they are being led as such by the 12 and the Director.
I wait until the way is clear and I make clear my escape.
“I can’t do anything about this Will. Not yet. You must catch them. You must stop them. I can prosecute them, but only after you give me the evidence to do so. Go, and reveal these 12 and their leader.” The Dean seems to be helpless at this time. I’ve been given the duty to stop this group…but how will I do it?
The weeks and months pass. Slowly, within the shadows, I show the School what the 12 truly are. Surveillance and traps won over six of them. Breaking into their rooms brought in three more. Spreading rumours caught two more of them. Finally, the final one had to be caught through the falsification of evidence. It was hard…but I had to do it for the betterment of my fellow students. Now, for the Director.
I send the Director a letter, taunting him to meet the man who destroyed his legion. We are to meet at 4am in the Cafeteria.
I wait in the Cafeteria. The tables and chairs are gone, probably due to some event that had happened that evening. I know not what, as I have been preparing for this encounter for the last 24 hours. The moon is full and its cold, old, reflected light pours in through open windows on both of my sides. The walls look a pale yellow. The room seems smaller than usual. My senses must be playing tricks upon me.
I see the Director walk into the room. He seems calm. If he is full of rage, he shows nothing of it in his eyes. His eyes, in fact, seem as cold as the old light in the room. This is not the same Director seen in the daylight. At his side, strangely glinting in the penumbral light is a very large sword.
I look to my own hand, and it also wields a sword. I can’t remember whether I’ve held it this whole time, or where I had gotten it, but I’m thankful for it in my hands now.
“So. You have down this, have you? Well, this is the only way to finish this. Only one of us will walk away from tonight.” the Director says his words in such a matter-of-fact way that it sends a chill down my spine. He raises his sword. We clash.
We fight for what seems to be hours, though it must only be minutes. I say that, because the light never changed within the room the entire time. All the while, the Director utters discouragements and taunts towards my face as the sweat pours down my face.
Finally the Director says, “Even if you destroy me, there is still another.” At these words, I become enraged. The Director stops his attack and stares at me. Without asking why he stayed his hand, I plunge my sword into him. The Director disappears and his final words echo in my ears. As the echo fades, another sound blends into the words and overtakes them. I hear clapping.
I look to where the clapping comes from, and I see a man walk out of the shadows. To my confusion, George Sweetman walks out of the shadows.
“Well done, Will. You have done everything I asked of you.” George smiles oddly.
“However, I know what you have done to do so. You have lied, stolen and framed people for your ends. You have even destroyed a defenseless man in rage. You have become everything I thought you would become.” George begins to clap once again. A horrific revelation comes upon me. Before I can say anything, the Dean speaks once again.
“Yes. I am the architect of this endeavour. The Director, as are the 12, is one of my many pawns. I have used them to get to you; to create the you that is now. You are powerless against me now. I used you to test my regime. You proved that those I had were weak and sloppy. I will get more to put in the spotlight, and I will teach them how to avoid the tactics you used.”
Another comes from the darkness. The Director emerges again from the shadows.
“You may be relieved to know that you did not kill Mr. Phillips. You destroyed a spectre, to complete your character. Mr. Phillips will return to his post in the morning, and he will have the evidence to destroy you in this place. You will be revealed as a liar, cheat, and a fraud. Your testimony will be nothing, and our plans will go forward. You are helpless to stop me.”
12 new figures emerge from the darkness. I am surrounded. I realize I am completely helpless to stop them; everything I’ve done is now swept away. George begins to laugh. It begins low and quiet, but quickly swells into a thunderous sound – something that fills the room so that it becomes the only sound I can comprehend. Covering my ears, I look up and George’s face is consumed in a ghastly parody of revelry. The 12 close in, and the darkness consumes me.
I wake up in my dorm room. It is the first day of Frosh Week, my first day of school at Tyndale University College.
This entry was written by Humour, Life, School and tagged Dean of Students, Humour, nightmare, Residence Advisor, Tyndale University College, Will Kinchlea. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink., posted on May 12, 2008 at 12:07 am, filed under
(Originally Published April 21, 2006 on http://www.wkinchlea.blogspot.com)
After strolling around on the internet the other day, I found myself upon the Web 2.0 Bullshit Generator.
Some of my regular readers (and by some I mean the vast majority) have no idea what Web 2.0 is, and for the matter at hand, that’s ok. The point is, I found it funny, and I thought others would too.
So I emailed the Tall Skinny Kiwi, thinking he would get a kick out of it, too (he does know what Web 2.0 is). A week later, I get an email saying he enjoyed it as well and thought there should be one for the Emerging Church too. (Y’know, lighten the atmosphere, add some humour….for kicks) He then asked me to see if I couldn’t hack it and come up with my own.
For those at all involved with talking about Emerging Church junk, I hope you find this funny!